Changing my brain patterns to accept my father and others as they are, rather than how I would like them to be, gave me the freedom to love them without resentment and anger. Being free of resentment and anger, my heart then was empty and open to love unconditionally – love as God created it!
Transformation, however, is never painless. I was growing into the person of God’s created potential and not the person who the world had diminished. No longer did I view myself as unlovable, incompetent, incapable, and undeserving. No longer did I have to compromise with people just so they would like me and be my friends. No longer, for the sake of being loved, would I jump whenever my family wanted me to do something.
As significant as this transformation was for me, it wasn’t complete. Far from it! I was still broken. Joy was nonexistent. I responded to anger with anger, to abuse with abuse. Life was serious and contentious. I did not like myself or my place in the universe. I became masochistic and would hurt myself by chewing the inside of my mouth until I bled. I chewed my nails till they bled. I was physically manifesting my bleeding spirit. How do I cope with the hurt? I was reaching for God and the devil was fighting back.
I continued to pray and asked God every day for His will and guidance in my life and for Him to show me my shortcomings so that I could be more like Him. This has made available for me—besides finding my soul mate—peace, joy, and aliveness that I did not know existed.
The big question that kept coming up for me was: Am I ready for another man in my life? Although I was experiencing the anxiety that comes with self-examination, I was growing in courage with each new discovery. The door to freedom was opening. Freedom takes courage. Was I ready to go out there and meet the world on new terms? Well, I guess the only way to know is by jumping in with both feet.
They say you can’t pick your family but you can pick your mate. Would I have to pursue a man? Would he be the right one? In any case, I knew dating was in my near future if I wanted to find the answer, but where would I start? Until then, I never had to pursue men. They always pursued me. However now I was a single mom, a teacher with little spare time. I realized I needed to “put myself out there” in order to meet “Mr. Right.” It scared me. I didn’t know even how to start.
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